Geostorm

If you’re familiar with the book of Revelations, surely you could never forget the passage that reads “When the world is in chaos, there will come a Geostorm.” It’s like one of the most famous parts. Well, now I have seen this timely contribution to the current climate / terrorism / climate-terrorism debate, and I can say with confidence that henceforth, no discussion of global warming could be considered credible without mention of Geostorm.

Is there something wrong with me that I am drawn like a moth to detailed depictions of mass destruction? Surely there is, but if you are like me, there are many better movies that can give you the same thrill, with a lot more quality. But if you want to watch a movie that is so absolutely silly and ludicrous in every way you sit there in wonder that it was made at all—and wonder who it was made for—then you might just gave a gay old time, as I did.

The main reason I wondered who this movie is for is that it exists in a sci-fi alternate reality in which climate change has made the world’s nations unite and build a huge mechanical net that creates a sphere around the globe, which was somehow single-handedly built by Gerard Butler, whom I suddenly, and inexplicably [as in: why hasn’t it happened til now?] found ridiculously sexy, jowls and all. So the story of this movie has no bearing whatsoever on reality (except for climate change, which is just the catalyst here), and makes you ask; WHY would we be watching this movie that just complete bullshit? Good question.

The main reason is: you like special effects, and the movie seems to know this, which is why the effects shots just seem to go on forever for no purpose… like just watching a space shuttle go into a station. The movie puts a government conspiracy movie into a global disaster movie, only… it can’t really be called a disaster movie. In the past few years, we’ve decided that watching people die in disasters is a little insensitive, so now our mass destruction comes anonymous and while millions may die, no one we know [and definitely not the dog—and yes, there is a dog]. So every so often, the movie just cuts to some distant locale, where some horrendous destruction happens that is in no way related to our characters, and then we just cut back and go on. The best one is when Hong Kong gets it so bad we have skyscrapers knocking each other over like dominos, and then everyone just goes on like, “Ah well, every so often you lose Hong Kong, you know?”

The single most amusing element of the entire thing this is a countdown clock that ticks down the seconds til the GEOSTORM. Like, have you ever had a storm that began in an instant? And ended JUST LIKE THAT, in an instant? Well, that’s our geostorm. There is one beginning point to our geostorm, which can indeed be calculated to the very second. Which allows our scientists to stop the geostorm with seconds left on the clock! And when they turn off their system, poof! That gathering geostorm goes away in mere seconds! Which, sorry for the spoiler, gives away that there is no actual geostorm in the movie.

Oh, and there’s a stadium that EXPLODES as though it were filled with nitro-glycerine from a lightning strike. God damn those explosive stadiums! They shouldn’t build those things in populated areas if they can go up like that!

Anyway, if you liked The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, you’ll like this, because it’s essentially the same thing, and the “completely unrealistic future” is borrowed from Independence Day: Resurgence, which makes sense, as this is the first film directed by Dean Devlin [although they took it away from him toward the end and had to do multiple reshoots], who was producer on all those movies. Still, if you like ludicrously silly movies with lots of special effects, this exists. See you at Geostorm: Resurgence!

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