This was one of the few movies I was looking forward to, because I love a good mind-blowing space spectacle with lots of incredible visuals, especially in 3D, and it all sounded like good fun. And Luc Besson usually delivers something at least fun, although often incomprehensible. Then the horrible reviews started rolling in, but still, I had to see it for myself. And then I did, and everything they said is true; the leads are charmless and annoying, the story is nonexistent, and the visuals quickly get tiring. And I walked out before the end… it all seemed so pointless, and I had phone calls to make.
Not much more to say, really. I think Dane DeHaan is an interesting actor and perfect for certain roles, but here he is supposed to be a rakish space rogue who everyone is attracted to, and he just comes off as an immature brat. Apparently all the takes where Cara Delevigne wasn’t rolling her eyes or flipping her hair were edited out. She also just seems like an irritating know-it-all girl who thinks she’s pretty, and before long you want the both of them to get jettisoned into space.
Apparently there is a plot that is explained after I left [and I stayed a good 90 minutes], but by that time no one cares—and we all know it’s going to be only so much claptrap anyway. But leading up to that, it’s just go here, save that, fight this, steal that, etc. There is a little creature that poops pearls—I’m not kidding—and this is the last one alive, and so precious, which is why it’s curious that Cara carries it in a cylinder millimeters larger than its body [it could not possibly turn inside, it’s essentially a mobile veal pen] and carries it attached to her waist during several jumps and fights and dangerous scrapes. Other than that it’s just a new alien every few minutes, a new planet every few minutes, go here, go there, have generic adventures against a greenscreen.
The comic this is drawn from is 40 years old, which may be why we’ve already seen everything this has to offer in Avatar, AI, Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. Even the wacky vibe and numerous alien worlds are just Guardians of the Galaxy. There are numerous examples of filmmakers finally adapting that one project they’ve been looking forward to their entire life and ultimately delivering a misfire. Apparently Luc Besson wanted to adapt this comic since he was a child, and it’s so sad that he finally did.