Valerian

This was one of the few movies I was looking forward to, because I love a good mind-blowing space spectacle with lots of incredible visuals, especially in 3D, and it all sounded like good fun. And Luc Besson usually delivers something at least fun, although often incomprehensible. Then the horrible reviews started rolling in, but still, I had to see it for myself. And then I did, and everything they said is true; the leads are charmless and annoying, the story is nonexistent, and the visuals quickly get tiring. And I walked out before the end… it all seemed so pointless, and I had phone calls to make.

Not much more to say, really. I think Dane DeHaan is an interesting actor and perfect for certain roles, but here he is supposed to be a rakish space rogue who everyone is attracted to, and he just comes off as an immature brat. Apparently all the takes where Cara Delevigne wasn’t rolling her eyes or flipping her hair were edited out. She also just seems like an irritating know-it-all girl who thinks she’s pretty, and before long you want the both of them to get jettisoned into space.

Apparently there is a plot that is explained after I left [and I stayed a good 90 minutes], but by that time no one cares—and we all know it’s going to be only so much claptrap anyway. But leading up to that, it’s just go here, save that, fight this, steal that, etc. There is a little creature that poops pearls—I’m not kidding—and this is the last one alive, and so precious, which is why it’s curious that Cara carries it in a cylinder millimeters larger than its body [it could not possibly turn inside, it’s essentially a mobile veal pen] and carries it attached to her waist during several jumps and fights and dangerous scrapes. Other than that it’s just a new alien every few minutes, a new planet every few minutes, go here, go there, have generic adventures against a greenscreen.

The comic this is drawn from is 40 years old, which may be why we’ve already seen everything this has to offer in Avatar, AI, Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. Even the wacky vibe and numerous alien worlds are just Guardians of the Galaxy. There are numerous examples of filmmakers finally adapting that one project they’ve been looking forward to their entire life and ultimately delivering a misfire. Apparently Luc Besson wanted to adapt this comic since he was a child, and it’s so sad that he finally did.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Valerian

    • Quite unusual, but when you’re sitting there filled with that sense of: “This is going to just go on and on like this til it ends…” And my boyfriend was sick and I wanted to get home and talk to him before he hit bed. And often on Netflix I start a movie and then have no interest in finishing it… I like to see how it’s set up and the tone and all, but after awhile you really don’t need to see how it turns out because it’ll just be a variation on everything we’ve already seen. So… there we are.

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  1. Scott, I was also very much looking forward to this movie. It looked like a wacky, colorful good time. It was SO not that. In retrospect, if I had left the theater I wouldn’t have missed a thing. And, I wouldn’t have had to endure THAT scene (you know, the one with Rihanna). Right there, that one scene killed the entire movie. It just brought it to a total, dead-in-the-water standstill.

    It certainly was colorful, but too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing, and Valerian had waaaay too much of everything that ultimately added up to nothing. On the other hand, I did enjoy the first part of the movie that showed the original space station growing in size as various alien races moved in. Did you happen to notice the size of the space station in 2020 though? It was laughably HUGE. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that with the current administration in power, major additions to the ISS are, at the very least, on the back burner :)))))

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    • Agreed that the Rihanna scene stopped the movie cold, although it had built up no momentum to begin with. And, I think that’s the scene after which I decided I could just walk out and not mis anything.

      Yeah, it’s too bad, this was one of the few movies I was really looking forward to, and hoped it would be off the wall sci-fi fun. As a substitute, you might seek out the Guy Ritchie King Arthur, which has NOTHING to do with King Arthur, but is wacky kooky fun in an unexpected way. Thanks!

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