Oceans Rising

As you know, bad movies aren’t what they used to be, now that anyone can make a digital film and CGI effects are starting to be available [in shitty form, but still…] to anyone, meaning you no longer have any home-made giant squids and whatnot. And then, to my annoyance, Netflix seems allergic to carrying any horror or sci-fi movie over two years old, meaning that those genres are chock-full of direct-to-video garbage, a description that applies to this film. Still, sometimes you need to watch some garbage before bed…

I’ll let you know up front that I did not finish this film, but I saw enough that I feel justified in offering an opinion. This is the rare low-budget apocalyptic disaster film, which feels confident enough to kill off all of humanity while having a total budget of about $15. The story is that the sun is shooting out solar flares, and at the same time, because of climate change somehow, the outer core of the Earth is slowing down. So it’s kind of like The Core on a very small budget, and it soon becomes very apparent how they’re going to make a whole apocalyptic, global-scale disaster movie with no budget.

They’re going to focus on a bickering married couple. It’s the age-old setup of the scientist couple that used to be married, and are now forced to work together, despite all the simmering tensions—and undeniable attractions—still present in their relationship. It’s a bit amusing as the couple is arguing at first, then it becomes even more amusing when the scene changes and… they somehow find a reason to argue some more. Then there’s a catastrophe facing mankind, which… becomes another reason for this couple to bicker. Then they’re preparing a boat to survive the rising sea levels… and end up bickering. Then 95% of the Earth’s surface is covered by water, and… why, just another excuse for this couple to have an argument!

I’d love to hear how the writer/director pitched this to the actors, like: “It’s an apocalyptic disaster movie, but there’s going to be lots of drama, so it’ll really showcase your acting chops!” So it all quickly becomes hilarious—at least until you just turn the whole, ultra-disposable thing off—and what’s most amusing [aside from that any, yes ANY event is catalyst for an argument] is that, no matter how many tense conversations the couple have, their relationship stays steadfastly in the same place, in which they must work together, and there could be the hint of flirtation in their banter, hey, they had some good times, right?, but there’s no time for that now! Adding further to the amusement is that there are numerous times it seems like that the woman is interested in picking their romance up again and the man is not, like, at all.

Oh wait, there’s more hilarious stuff. My favorite moment is when the couple show up out of nowhere at some power station that has thus far survived the flood, and the woman announces, without any evidence, that she is a bigwig and is now in charge, then starts barking orders at the hapless workers, saying things like “This facility CANNOT flood… The future of all life on earth depends on it—do you understand me!?!?”

Anyway, comedy gold. Good old bad movie entertainment, very amusing and totally worth a watch for as long as you can stand it, at which point you can flip it off in the full knowledge that you are not missing a thing.

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